Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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