Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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