I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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