Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
