I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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