Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
