What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
did i just pee glitter
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