Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
