12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
