grandma shit on top of the toilet
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
