Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
did i walk over a car last night?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
