He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
