I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
