The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
