Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
