theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
