Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
