You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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