he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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