Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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