i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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