I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
