Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
