the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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