The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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