I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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