i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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