Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
