god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we're making bets on your personal life
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
