There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
