I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
