I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
