I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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