Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
