And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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