The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
