Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
