We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
