the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
