The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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