i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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