We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
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