I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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