Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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