There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
