But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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