Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
