operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
