I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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