apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
