I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
