OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Randomize
