hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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