The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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