His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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