do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
